Today, we are joined by the Brothers Vitka for our October 19th review of Lizzie. Who are the Vitkas brothers? Sean and William Vitka are a creative force to be reckoned with. The brothers have collaborated on some truly interesting books (Infected, Stranded, etc.), and you can learn more about the brother’s work at their Facebook page, Vitkas Grimm. Personally, after reading the descriptions of these two books, I think I’ll be ordering them soon. They look like they are weird enough to be right up my alley.
Well, let’s just jump into the review, shall we?
Lizzie  — The cinematic equivalent of pooping on your own shoes
Have you ever wanted Grade-A Gary Busey, but without Gary Busey getting in the way for the first ninety minutes? Have you ever been told that you’re an alcoholic, but have ignored the warnings because all you drink is wine–and that stuff’s ‘classy’? Have you ever wanted to live in a land where a dozen eggs are *always* just 25 cents?
If so, LIZZIE might be for you.
This ‘movie’ will have you guessing from start to finish. Mostly about whether or not you’re rooting for the characters–which you aren’t–and what’s going on, which you’ll never be told.
It does feature one of the most blisteringly intense coffee scenes ever. And also a truly underappreciated final-act hero: The handgun.
This very special handgun (it looks like a Beretta 9mm but handles like a squirt gun) makes the tumultuous journey from a jeep to the crevice behind the oven. This lone bullet-puker’s trek is arguably the most interesting of all the characters.
To be brief, LIZZIE is a series of still images moving at about 24 frames per second. In this sense, it is a ‘film’ about a young butt-less woman who does nothing except drink wine and engage in an unpleasant relationship with a long-haired fella who happens to possess terrible Asian-script tattoos. He’s also the producer. And he’ll have you know, he went to the same school as Richard Gere(???)
Somehow, American murderess Lizzie Borden is involved. But the deathly Miss Borden is trapped in Adobe After Effects hell. Her appearances are generally constricted to scenes where the butt-less female lead says things like: What does she waaaaaaaaaaaaaant.
But spooky-like. Because the director found some green lighting for the scene. This is also worth noting: nothing will ever surprise you in this movie, because every scene is color-coded. The filmmakers will bewilder you with their overaggressive, color-correcting camera. That, or the cameraman was constantly vomiting on the lens.
This movie is so bad (how bad is it?) that the deliberately silly part belongs on r/cringe. We’ll just describe it for you: Cable Guy comes to fix a TV. Actress flips a shit without pants on. Cable Guy is Indian (of course). He fixes TV by poking at it. Actress asks Cable Guy to also install Internet (prepare sit on the edge of your seats while you watch the couple argue about whether cable companies do that sort of thing). Cable Guy says she shouldn’t get it, because Boyfriend Guy only wants it to find other women. Also tells Actress she is sexy because she’s stupid. Somewhere in here, Cable Guy also tells Actress he has 16 kids and ‘one retard,’ who apparently doesn’t count.
Cable Guy disappears for the rest of the movie. You’d think this would be for our benefit, given how awful the Cable Guy part is, but an argument can be made that he was the best aspect of the ‘film.’
Inexplicably (and, of course, unexplained), when otherwise-perfect Boyfriend Guy comes home to trick Actress into thinking she’s about to be murdered and/or raped, Boyfriend Guy is wearing Cable Guy’s suit.
While murder and rape do not occur, Actress — this whole scene is purple, thanks to the cameraman’s grape-based lunch — does decide to put on lingerie for Boyfriend, who proceeds to mash his face against Actress’s upper lip.
For those of you hoping for an experience like The Room, you’ll be disappointed. The movie goes around the good-bad circle exact zero times, and never takes itself seriously enough to even get off the ground once.
PJ: I am completely agreeing with the Brother’s review. This movie was terrible and not in a good way at all. I’m just going to post a list of things that struck me about the film, either about common sense, stupidity of the actors, or about the story.
- It makes sense to store a loaded pistol in your open top jeep. No one will ever think to look between the seats.
- Calling someone who self-admittedly has mental problems “crazy” ever time you argue is sure to provoke a response that you will not appreciate.
- I’ve never seen two people who were more ineffectual while swinging an ax. Those two ladies might as well have been using a fork.
- Drinking alcohol and taking pills with tons of side effects is a no win situation for anyone, especially crazy people.
- Lizzie Borden’s ghost makes women assume that their boyfriends are cheating.
- Gary Busey is terrifying.
- Even adding Corbin Bernsen and Gerry Bednob couldn’t have saved this movie from itself.
That’s about it for me. The Brother’s review was excellent and hit everything I would have talked about. To cap off this review, the brothers also created a Mystery Science Theater 3000 type of video review. You can see it here: